I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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