Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
