I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
