i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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