his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
