sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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