I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
