There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
