Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You smell like stripper and shame
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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