you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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