I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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