also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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