Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
