I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
