Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
