but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
