At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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