If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
