bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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