So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
