Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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