hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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