You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
