I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
