just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
