You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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