Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
