hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
