you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
