Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Found the puke drawer
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
