If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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