why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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