Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
