I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
