so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
