I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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