Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
