I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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