There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
