Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
