Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
