What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
