Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
