meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
