I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
