I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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