I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
