Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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