I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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