I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
